11:38am 15/01/2009
 
mood: melancholy



I give up on keeping a journal about me in just my own words. It never works for me I always forget. However the two images at the top were made by me.



She just can't take it anymore.
She will try her best to smile at you.
You will never see her fall apart.
So when you wonder why she won't stare you in the eyes...
It's because she knows you'll realize she's lying.



I'm not so sure it is you that I miss.
I think I just miss having someone there.
Someone to always have fun with,
I don't think I miss you or the ass you are.
I just miss the way it used to feel, when I wasn't alone



"I think that's what's wrong with the world;
No one says what they feel,
They always hold it inside.
They're sad, but they don't cry.
They're happy, but they don't dance or sing.
They're angry, but they don't scream.
Because if they do, they feel ashamed.
And that's the worst feeling in the world.
So everyone walks with their heads down.
And no one sees how beautiful the sky is"

  
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Please forgive me I know not what I do, Please forgive me I can't stop loving you   
05:39pm 31/07/2008
 
mood: stressed
I've been so tired and stressed. I forgot about this. I tend to do that. Running out of money, need work. An old friend found me yesterday and it felt really awkward. He still wants me. I don't think I can do it. My cousin wants me too and that is fuckin weird. I wish I could just shut the door on the world.		  
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Sit alone and watch the clock, Trying to collect my thoughts   
01:09am 15/07/2008
  dont feel like doing this right now.

Him: hope your ready for a long night
Him: yup
Me: ill be tired, i woke up about 50 times between 1 and 10 am every time my heart was racing with fear and i have no idea why
Him: i know why
Me: why
Him: us
Me: us?
Him: we have hardley talked
Him: or been with each other
Him: its hidden fear of breaking up
Me: it felt like fear for my life though
Him: its a panic atrack
Him: caused subcon... cause of the relatiuonship
Him: reaLLY
Him: it is
Me: but why
Him: cause we havn't really been close lately
Him: stop picking!
Me: why so many times in one night?
Him: cause its bothering you
Me: if i hadnt been so tired i wouldnt of kept going back to sleep
Him: but everything is ok with us so you don't have to worry and i feel better
Him: im at least up		  
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01:32pm 12/07/2008
  I've been so tired the last couple of days, and so angry. So easily angered. He's been sick. I've been waking up and sitting in bed reading, mainly only getting up for drink and what not.  
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I'm tryin to drown my soul, I'm tired of this life on a dirt road   
02:01pm 09/07/2008
 
mood: cynical
music: Rehab - Sittin at a bar
When I woke up at 9 something this morning I actually stayed up. Read a chapter of a book. Got dressed and went to the bank. As soon as I pulled into the parking lot I felt the panic start. And I thought to myself, why am I like this? It shouldn't be so hard just to go to the bank to make a deposit. I shouldn't shift into panic mode as soon as I pull into a parking lot. Did what I needed to do and left the bank still feeling shaky. Went to Food Lion, too many people so I left. Walked down to go to CVS but there was two guys standing outside and I felt the need to go further and get away so I walked down to Dollar General, avoided people walked around the store and left to walk back up to CVS. Walked around and got what I wanted avoiding people. Just to find out that my exes ex was the cashier and she tried small talk. I was still panicky from the bank and just wanted to be alone. Left the store and got in my car. Leave the parking lot just for some asshole to get right up on my ass and make me not be able to turn where I wanted to because he would have hit me. He almost did when I turned a little further up even though I gave him more than enough time to slow down. That just pissed me off. I was pissed off from the moment he got up on my ass. Overwhelming anger. I just wanted to scream. I wanted to get out and punch him in the face. But I held it in and sped my way home to come back to my room where I am safe. Have to go out again soon, not even 2 whole packs of cigarettes left. I hate going out.		  
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02:56am 09/07/2008
 
mood: exhausted
It was stormy all day. So I watched, fool's gold and the spiderwick chronicles. My anger is rising again like it did before and I don't know why. I'm so tired.		  
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11:59pm 07/07/2008
 
mood: exhausted
I had to let the fog clear from my head before I could write on this. I was fogged with anger, guilt and pain. So much so that it made me feel sick.

( Convo )

I don't know, maybe I just don't get it.

So there was so much more I was going to put, but power flashed, and now I've decided maybe its best I don't. But it was a drawn out argument/talk that was very emotionally charged.		  
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He just doesn't get it   
06:10pm 07/07/2008
 
mood: distressed
Him: sick fuck
Him: they are not even developed
Him: how can someone fuck a 15 yo?
Him: whats wronmg?
Me: my body was mostly the same at 15 as it is now
Me: i got pregnant at 15
Him: im not talking about you
Him: most 15 yo girls are not developed
Me: yes but teh way you said it encompasses all
Him: no it doesn't

So am I beautiful? Am I sexy? Am I any of these things he's said before, because now it doesn't feel like it. Not even developed. The only difference between now and then is I've lost weight, gained weight, had a baby and grown more tired, more used, more battered. But physically developed, I was the same. And now I can't get those words out of my head. Not even developed. How can someone. As though its inhuman. Am I inhuman? My body is still childish, does that mean I'm unfuckable? but if so how can you want me so much? I do not understand.

Him: still mad at me?
Me: i wasnt mad
Him: thats how it felt

I need to understand. I need to not feel so unwanted. Unfuckable. Unhuman. Unreal. Unalive.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Him: when i talk about things you should not take them as meaning you
Him: .. and take them as me being 31
Him: thats when im thinking in my age
Me: yeah but you should learn to remember tha i am only 19
Me: *that
Him: you should know im not reflecting what i say on you .. and yes 19 makes you an adult
Me: but it also makes me much more likely to see myself in that
Him: it shouldn't .. cause he was 30
Me: it was teh way you said it, 'they are not even developed' they to someone my age means all
Him: you wasn't fully developed either
Him: your body had to speed up
Me: i wore teh exact same sizes in everything then
Me: before i got pregnant
Him: not what im talking about
Him: mentaly
Me: explain
Him: never mind just drop it
Him: fuck it
Me: im trying to understand
Him: every thing i try toi talk mabout you take personaly or wrong
Him: think about it as an adult .. now .. and mentaly now .. and how you was then
Me: i cant remember how i was mentally
Him: you need to stop taking things personal like that

and yet he takes teh things i say personally, thesse words keep racign in my head, i cannot stop them , cannot focus my midn or my vision, help me		  
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She don't know she's beautiful   
10:58pm 06/07/2008
 
mood: exhausted
music: Carter's Chord - Different Breed
He says that I am beautiful. Why is it that most times when I look I cannot see this? Before he came into my life when I looked at myself I saw emptiness, nothing, just a girl that nobody could love. Now that he's here, on my good days I see my love for him. But he has also made it possible for me to see all of the anger and sadness held within for so many years. But the one thing that I want to see escapes me. I want to see the beautiful woman that he sees. When I do by chance see a beautiful girl in the mirror, or my pictures, I do not recognize her, she is not me. But he says she is and he says I know it.

I lost my train of thought there.

So I'm gonna leave on that.

He said this song reminded him of me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Can you tell me baby
What do you see in me
I'm a FAST RIDE I'm a crashing tide and
I'm crazy
Can you tell me baby
What do you see in me
You've loved a long line of consistency
I'm a different breed		  
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Sick and Tired   
05:43pm 06/07/2008
 
mood: tired
music: Nappy Roots - Sick and Tired
I'm finding that I am overwhelmingly tired, all of the time. I can't seem to shake it off and my muscles ache. I get out of bed only for my man and my son, they are the only things that make me want to get up. I'm just so tired and I'm tired of being tired.

I quit my job last October, I don't really want to go back to work but I'm trying to get a new job. I've barely left the house since November and my room since March or April. I have no desire to go anywhere. Going out means being around other people and I do not fit in. I do not belong, surrounded by people I feel alone. I'm the freak standing on the outside, in the shadows, looking in, and if I step out into the light they will judge me. I love the feel of driving in my car, but I don't want to go anywhere. I want to be a part of the world but I want to shut the world out and never leave my room.

Sometimes I think I'm going crazy. Sometimes I think I am crazy. A freak. An outsider. Not quite up to human standards. I feel like I live in a daze and none of this is really real. None of my memories happened. Not that I remember much. Most of my life I do not remember most times. But then at times parts of it rush at me and the emotions are so intense that I cannot take it.

I've only discussed these things with him, he understands much of it. The moods, the anxiety, the guilt, the anger and rage, these things are not normal. I am not normal. I'm different, an outsider, outcast, and sometimes I think I did it to myself. I caused it all to happen. They didn't like me because I didn't let them. No one heard me speak because I didn't speak, but I don't speak because no one hears me speak. I hate to repeat myself.

I hate myself. Why am I here? What is my purpose? I do not understand. I do not wish to live this way but it's the only way I know how. I can't go get help because I'm not brave enough. On my own I would panic and leave. There's too many people there. Why must there be so many people everywhere? Why do people judge each other? Talk to me before judging me, no don't talk to me I don't want that, I don't know how to talk. Just let me disappear and be nonexistent in everyone's eyes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm sick and tired of being criticized
I'm sick and tired of barely gettin by
I'm sick and tired of not livin right
I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired

I'm sick and tired of being pushed aside
I'm sick and tired of callin folks for rides
I'm sick and tired of this petty life
I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired		  
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Once upon a time she was normal, once upon a time when she was five   
02:22am 06/07/2008
 
mood: thoughtful
So I really don't have much to put right now, well I do but I'm too tired to sit here and type everything. I've created this so that maybe I can get a better understanding of myself. Why I feel the things I do and what causes them. I already understand more than I let on but I don't understand enough. So perhaps by tracking my feelings and things occurring at those times I can understand even better.

Last October I was diagnosed with depression, but in truth it runs much deeper. Everyone says I should be checked for bipolar disorder. I have panic attacks. Also I know without being diagnosed that I have Social Anxiety Disorder. It is to the point that I only talk to three people, myself, my fiance and my cousin.

For the longest time I have said I'm fine, different but fine. But I've started to realize this is not the case. It is becoming too much for me to handle. I don't know how to handle it. There is so much pain and fear. I've always paid close attention to other people, the way they act, the way they talk, the way the move, the air they put off, and what they hold inside thinking no one can see. But only now have i opened my eyes to the people that are supposed to be so close in my life and realized that these same differences that run in me, also run in my cousin and uncle.

I have now barely left the house in half a year, I have been isolating myself. I will get into my story on this later, after i have gotten some sleep. For my uncle and cousin it has been much longer.		  
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wickeddreamer